I have the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other with a Hamster running on a wheel in the middle that falls over from exhaustion from listening to both of them fighting with each other. I was asked by my parents to come back home to live, take care, protect and love them till the die. My father died in my arms on April 5th at 6:11Am.When I look at my mothers face and into her eyes and she asks me ”what’s going to happen to me “ She’s 96 scared to death that she will be alone and abandoned as she has been by my brothers and her grandchildren. My whole life flashes before my eyes. I say “Mother don’t worry everything is going to be all right. You’re just getting a little older. Dad left you with this beautiful apartment and this beautiful view of Central Park that is God’s Television. I will never leave you and I will take care of you the rest of your life. I promised that to my dad when I spoke to him in his coffin. I asked the “Shomer” if he could open the casket for me, as I wanted to make sure it was my dad and wanted to have a heart to heart talk with him face to face.
Actually I have nightmare every day and I am scared to death as to the outcome, my bothers and fist cousin keep threatening to evict and move my mother to a small one bedroom in Queens. They have hired two attorneys that are specialists (That are being paid by my father’s estate) that are against my mother and I. Everyday we read about elderly women prayed upon and raped in nursing homes, caregivers that overmedicate and abuse their patients. Cruelty that is unjust and one of the consuming and overwhelming reasons that my grandparents and parents worked so hard to flee for their lives and from the nightmares of the ghettos of Russia, Away from the fear of death and bullying of the “Pogroms”. My mother’s father never left his home for over two years. My mother still has nightmares of the soldiers coming to her door asking if they were Jewish, while they were hiding in a closet in the dark, afraid for their lives. I hold her hand while she is going through this recurring nightmare. As I am next to her I too start crying at the fear and cruelty I am living for giving up my life to move back home and live like a child again and questioning everyday if I did and do the right thing. Desperately trying and searching for approval from friends and acquaintances, as family members only see me as blocking them from getting their money. Fearing that this will happen to me , knowing I have hostile trustees that will get back at me later. Just as my mother has fears when I’m not around. I fear for my mother’s life, as it will take a sheriff, doctors, sedation and the police ambulance before I will let anyone move my mother from her home of 46 years. I have sleepless nights about the possibility of that outcome. I read everyday about supposedly close families and then the disgusting family situations. On the other hand I think and pray that my mother would be better off not being here on earth and seeing the obvious. Nobody comes to break bread with her anymore. My mother was nobodies fool. She always had the ability to go right to the heart. I know she still sees. Relatives call at night to make their obligatory daily call and she says “I love you, when are you coming to see me?” and then the caretakers and I hear their bullshit answers. On the other hand I am frustrated and confused that I have this conflicting feelings.
Didn’t I come from the same womb? Is there a right or wrong? I thought everyone was taught to honor their mother and father. Didn’t they get the same love I did? Why do I feel so alone in the family? Am I right? Am I doing the right thing? Why do I let that Devil and Angel struggle throughout me everyday? Why don’t I walk away, let them move my mother, hire cheaper care givers, overmedicate her, sell the apartment, call home everyday, get the same amount of money, live my life, my mother’s 96 – she lived her life, liquidate all the assets of the estate now, so when my mother dies everything is done . No body will be obligated to come from Florida, Syracuse, California, Kansas City, Delaware , Brooklyn , Rockville Center after the funeral.
My mother and father earned the money, not I or my brothers.
The agony of the indecision and fear of not knowing
I am on an emotional roll a coaster every day going through the gamut of emotions.
I am afraid to go out grocery shopping or to a meeting for fear that my brother’s will have her taken out by medication and force.
My note to my dad – laid on his heart , under the shroud in his casket
My Aunt Darolyn suggested I write a note and put him under his shroud next to his heart so he could read it on his way up to heaven. I also said I will email him in heaven on Facebook. I placed a bell in your left hand and said “if you need me for anything on your way to heaven, just ring the bell and I’ll be right there. I also placed a black Grenadine tie, that you love so much. Ties were your way out of Palooka-ville and making a better life for you, mother and your family.